I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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