the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
