you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
