why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am midnight drunk by noon
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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