My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think I have vodka in my lungs
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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