Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
