does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
