I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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