Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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