I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
