i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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