I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
