Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The best revenge is premature balding
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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