At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
