She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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