I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
