i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
