I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
