i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
