Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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