Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
