I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
