I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
