Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
