New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
