Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
