it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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