I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
