I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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