Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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