He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
