I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
