first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
