You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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