I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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