So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
