I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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