He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
