ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wear drunk well.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
