I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
