Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's like iHOP with fire
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
