college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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