just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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