the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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