Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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