He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
