so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
