Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
