In the future we'll all be gay
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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