Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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