her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
